trying to write

OK, so I haven't posted for over a month, but it's not for lack of topics. I recently read On Writing Well, a classic book by William Zinsser. Unlike other books on writing that I've read before, Zinsser's suggestions are sensible and easy to remember, which is important because I don't want to be checking a reference book when I'm writing. I've tried -- it is tedious. The book also gave me a new perspective on re-writing. I used to hate re-writing because it's always been this fuzzy process of having to improve what I've written, while not knowing what was wrong. Once other people read it, they would tell me what worked and what didn't, something that is hard to figure out myself. But then once other people criticize it, my own self-doubt comes into play and I get embarrassed to look at my own writing, never mind trying to re-write.

This book made it clear that writing is a craft, and like other crafts such as sculpting or cross-stitching, once you get a roughly defined shape (the first draft), you can chisel, nip, or tuck it into a final product that satisfies. I love sculpting with clay and tickling little details into the work. Writing is much the same, only on paper using words and ideas. There is no reason why one should be a chore and the other a joy, except for a difference in perception.

Now, that's all fabulous in my head. When it comes to actually writing though, crafting does take time, and it's not always high on my list of things to do. Then you add the desire to for perfection, which is a deterrent to writing because it feels like work. So I'd put it off. And think about it from time to time, but still put it off. I still have my notes on India sitting in a Google Document file, four months later. But enough is enough. I do want to turn the India experience into a coherent article, so it ain't getting done any time soon. In the mean time, the least I can do is write less sloppy, if not perfect, blog posts.

love without conditions

When you love without conditions, you support the freedom of others to choose their own way, even when you disagree with them. You trust them to make the best choice for them. You trust God’s plan for their awakening. You know that they can never make a mistake that will cut them off from God’s love or from yours.

- Paul Ferrini

how you know you've seen a movie too many times

Rocky and I were watching TV last weekend when a show began with the camera panning over a jungle.

Rocky: "That's Rush Hour."

Me: "How do you know?"
Rocky: "I know the music."
Me: "What?" (It sounded like generic instrumental music.)
Rocky: "It's Rush Hour 2."

Then the camera passed over the forest and a dense city emerged, and Jacky Chan's name appeared on screen. I gave him a look.

assumptions and expectations

There's a fine line between an assumption and an expectation. I expect the sun to come out tomorrow. I expect my car to turn on in the morning if I put gas in it and kept up with regular maintainence. If I thought I wouldn't like someone before I even meet him, I would be making an assumption. If I read some Internet gossip and believe it to be true with no other basis, that would be an assumption. Assumption, which in this case means "something taken for granted," has a more negative connotation than expectation.

I expected my twenty-five-dollar tent to hold up in case of rain, after making the assumption that it's a reasonable expectation from something designed for shelter. I really thought that was a standard feature. Rocky and I were camping on the beach near Santa Barbara, and it rained hard. We noticed the tent got wet -- it leaked at the zipper seams. After some deliberation and loading everything except the sleeping bag into the car, we drove to Rite Aid (just outside the camp site) and bought some packing tape and trash bags. The patch work did its job and held up until morning.

Today I browsed Amazon for a waterproof tent, and read one reader comment which said that "Almost all tent manufacturers, even for the most expensive brands, suggest that the buyer seal the seams to assure everything is watertight. A knowledgable camper wouldn't even think of purchasing a tent without applying sealant to the seams," in response to a reviewer who complained that his tent leaked. OK, so I'm a beginning camper, and I have not camped with anybody who is experienced. How was I supposed to know? This was the first time I've even heard of seam sealers, and I'm an avid instruction-reader so I'm sure my tent instructions made no mention of it. Anyway, now I know, and it was actually fun in the process, since we could've slept in the car if the trash bags hadn't worked out. And the morning was beautiful.

Our campsite

Walking on the beach

More of the beach

"fitness season"

As you may or may not know, I work for a company that markets infomercial products internationally. The first half of the year, from January through May or so, is we call the "fitness season" -- that is, when people make new year's resolutions to exercise and lose weight (people who go to the gym regularly know about this). It lasts until May or so because as the temperature warms, people start exercising outdoors, or they go on vacation, so the sales of exercise equipment drops.

I mention this now because for some reason reading this phrase today, it felt icky. I felt sad that so many people start exercising each year, fail to keep it up, and then start all over again the next year in the hopes that this year they'll finally lose those 10, 20, 30 pounds. And some people make money off of this cycle and call it "fitness season." I swear, probably a good half to two-thirds of the infomercial products out there are either exercise equipment or something that promises weight loss in some way. Not that I begrudge people making money when the opportunity presents itself, but it all just seems so pointless.

the stomach cannot contain what the eyes can see

There's something that Chinese people (or at least my mom) say when someone (usually a child) craves to eat something when they're not really hungry, which goes, "your eyes are hungry" (implying that your stomach is not). Or, when you order something you can't finish eating, they say, "your eyes are too big."

I mention this because that's what I'm feeling now that I can eat "normally" again. Today I had 3 donuts (my boss brought them to work), vegetable soup for lunch, and some trail mix in the afternoon, and I'm still bloated. It's hard to stop eating when I'm full, so out of habit I end up eating the portions (I'm mostly thinking of the donuts and my dinner at El Pollo Loco last night) I normally eat, and then get really really full. Then I regret it right after because I want to keep my current weight. Time to break some habits, I suppose.

pictures: rain on the lake

This was taken from my India houseboat trip. In the mid-afternoon it suddenly started pouring, as it is wont to do in south India. The crew covered up the windows in the sitting area with tarp when it poured hard, and this was shot after the rain dwindled a bit. I love the rain and the sense of raw elements during a downpour.

This poor guy was caught in the rain, though I imagine he's used to it since it rains almost daily there that time of year.

eating again

I reached my goal of fasting for ten days! YAAAAAY! It was really my only resolution for the new year (other than my ongoing resolution of finding a new job). I didn't feel like I lost much weight, but actually I lost 7 lbs. I'm at 137 now and I think I haven't been there in years. Energy-wise I don't really feel any different before, during, or after the fast. But admittedly I'm not all that sensitive to these things. The day after fasting, I was supposed to drink only orange juice, and move on to juice and vegetable soup the second day. But since I was allowed to eat again, I just couldn't hold back. I had some walnuts the first day (chewed really fine), and a visitor to our office gave me a box of macadamia nut chocolates, of which I ate four or five throughout the day. Also had a bag of Lay's potato chips and Trader Joe's fresh orange juice for lunch. So healthy!!! Had some vegetable soup (which I made the night before) for dinner, and I guess I ate too fast or something because it gave me a stomach ache and diarrhea. Yes, the vegetable soup did it but not all the junk I ate during the day (which I only nibbled on).

The first couple of days my tastebuds were really sensitive. The macadamia nut chocolates were sweet and just heavenly. The nuts were covered in crisp toffee and then in a thick layer of milk chocolate, and I could taste all the different flavors and textures. The walnuts, which were in the shell, were delicious and so flavorful I wonder why I even eat the shelled stuff. I got a bag of raw trail mix from Trader Joe's because I had it before and thought it was good, but when I had the trail mix walnuts side by side with the unshelled walnuts, the unshelled stuff tasted better by far. The potato chips were okay. They tasted more salty than before and stung my tongue a little for some reason, and that "potato chip" smell was strong and not quite pleasant. The vegetable soup was just vegetable soup until it gave me a stomach ache. At which time it became Unwisely Consumed Vegetable Soup.

Anyway, it's now the third day after the end of fasting, and I am still eating light and in small portions, though everything is still quite a treat. I intend to eat healthier from now -- not that I was eating unhealthy compared to most Americans, but I was eating out too much, which means too much meat and not enought vegetables. I'm going to try eating mostly vegetarian on weekdays and see how that works.

fasting again, day 7

If you read my blog early last year, I attempted the Master Cleanse (or lemonade diet) fast last February. And lasted all of two days. I was going to do it again a couple months later and just never got around to it (another reason being that we were out of lemons on our tree at home, which meant that I'd have to buy thick-skinned lemons with less juice from the store). I had been thinking about doing the fast again in November since our tree was full of lemons again (read: free and organic), but what with my India trip, Thanksgiving, and Christmas/New Year's coming up I decided to wait 'til after New Year's.

Honestly I wasn't as excited about it this time as last year, but I know I want to detox and it was a good time to do it, so I did. I warned Rocky 2-3 weeks ago that I wanted to start fasting again, since he wanted to do it with me. I went to his place last Friday, when we were supposed to start together, and on the way there he said that he had an idea that will keep us from going off the fast early. I was like, okay, we'll see. When I arrived, he told me that he had already been fasting since the previous Monday, so we wouldn't both be craving food at the same time. Aww, he is so sweet that way.

I started fasting Friday night (we went to see the Indian film Guru) and did fairly okay on Saturday, even when I went to see a showing of Tan Dun's The First Emperor broadcast live from the Met (more on that in another post) and had to smell popcorn at the theater. I had cravings on Saturday night and Sunday and could not even look at food ads or hear people talk about food. I learned from last time to change my focus when something comes up that provokes my cravings, so that it doesn't snowball from a small thought to an irresistable craving. I also played Zelda on the Wii during most of my free time, which is excellent for keeping my mind occupied.

By the time the weekend was over, I knew I was over the big hurdle because the regular schedule of the weekdays will keep me occupied enough to sail through the fast. By Tuesday, to my surprise, the cravings were mostly gone (as other people said it would be). I could look or smell food and look forward to having it when my fast is done, but I didn't need to eat it right this minute. I'm even planning a big pancake breakfast for the two of us next weekend. I also started my period Tuesday afternoon and had no cramps, only a little bit of discomfort in the evening and that was it. I will probably sail through this weekend and start breaking the fast on Tuesday if my body shows signs that it's done detoxing.

Some thoughts during the fast:

I realized that I hardly ever really appreciate the smell of food. If I smell something good, I want to follow it to the source, or I picture/imagine the food that produced the smell. It's always a lead-in to something else, a means to an end. But then we went to Walmart on Saturday, and they had a kettle corn stand outside. You could smell the damn thing from the other end of the parking lot. Since I couldn't eat and had to smell, I allowed myself to simply breathe in the aroma -- and to my surprise, found it satisfying in its own sake.

bird's eye view

I took these on one of the flights with Rocky in July. For some reason it never occurred to me (nor to him) to take pictures until then. We're planning to fly again this Sunday if the weather's good enough, and take some videos with his new camcorder to mail back to his family.

It was kind of a smoggy day (as it usually is in the summer), so my pictures look hazy.

Long Beach harbor from the sky.

Catalina Island from the sky.