turning 28 courageously

I was reading a fictionalized memoir the other day called The Love Spell, in which the main character is a public interest lawyer living in New York. I found her sophisticated, focused, and accomplished. At one point early in the book, someone asks her how old she is, and she replies, "almost twenty-eight." I stopped and thought, oh my god, she's my age! I'm almost twenty-eight, too!

That thought really depressed me. Look where she is, and look where I am. Growing up, I couldn't help but have these ideas planted in my head that you're supposed to be in a particular place in life by a certain age. For myself, I thought I would've been established in my career by my late twenties, not still bumbling around trying to figure things out. God forbid I should turn thirty without having figured out what to do with my life.

Even though by this point I understand that people grow and figure out who they are at their own pace, it's hard to go against your ingrained beliefs. Growing up, I was always the smart one, the one who was mature beyond her age. I thought that made me better than other people and that I would always be that way. Now I look around and see people my age who are more established, and I've realized that it's an identity I've been hanging on to make me feel better about myself. Now I've lost that identity and I feel grief coming on sometimes if I let it. I can feel my egoic self flailing around trying to find some other identity to anchor myself with.

Eckhart Tolle's teachings have been a godsend for me at this time, because I recognize that clinging to an identity prevents me from being conscious and living in the present. Being confused about who I am is actually good, and eventually I would get used to it (unless my ego finds something else to glom on to). Everyday I am being challenged to be myself and be okay with that - to know that it is enough to just be me.

off to a flying start

I feel like I've bolted out the gate of 2009 and haven't stopped. My temp job "ended" the last day of December, and I spent a week relaxing over New Year's and feeling great about having some time off. After going home for Christmas and talking to some friends, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and start my own reiki practice (been meaning to write about the reiki classes I've taken and just never got around to it!). I'm now writing content for my website (using an awesome e-business system called SBI), which will include reiki as well as the spiritual topics I'm passionate about.

SBI has gotten me excited about becoming self-employed, so I've been reading books on the subject. It turns out that self-employment is perfect for me. It's what I've always wanted, but I had this idea that you had to have a lot of experience or expertise in one field before you could be self-employed at it. Creativity and brainstorming are really the necessary skills, and expertise is secondary.

But anyway, I got so excited about my new projects that it occurred to me I was job-FREE, not jobless. I was thinking about this and feeling great when I went shopping the Tuesday after the new year, and while I was shopping, my temp agency called and said my work wanted me to come back for a couple of weeks. So back I went, and two weeks turned into two months (though likely not any longer). I'm kind of tired of working here now, so it'll be nice once I finish here and get to work on my projects full time while I job search.

i'm taking this blog thing way too seriously...

...that's why it took me so long between posts. I keep thinking I want to write something that's good and "writerly", and then I don't end up finishing anything (plenty of drafts though). That and I've had one issue or another with my computer and/or Internet connection since I moved to the new apartment, so I haven't been on the 'net much except at work.

My work has been a source of stress for the past two months because of the constant flux. The manager who hired me has been laid off, but they were nice enough to find me another department that needed my help, so I've been shuffled around doing random projects for them. It hasn't been all boring, though, and I even got to do some writing (ad copy for an online auction). My new manager is very impressed with my performance and sings my praises to everybody who passes through her office (she has a loud voice). I was training with another team today on using their customer database, and they praised me for picking it up so quickly. That's all really nice and I'm grateful for the comments - my previous managers never appreciated my work like they do. But I'm still a temp and the company is still in bad shape, so I'm job searching once again.

miracles happen

Since I last wrote about my frustrations with job search and instability, a lot more has happened. In early August, I attended my cousin Jennifer's wedding in Houston and saw my family. It's been many, many years (over a decade) since I last attended a wedding, and that wasn't even someone I knew. Jennifer's ceremony was simple and sweet, and you could feel the love coming off of the bride and groom whenever they're together. There were three receptions and lots of eating over the 4 days I was there (as usual when my family gets together). It was fun seeing my family and meeting Jennifer's friends that I kept hearing about.

Two things that had been weighing on my mind, finding a job and a new apartment, came to fruition after I came back from the wedding. Through one of my temp agencies I got an interview with the marketing department of a major local newspaper. The interview went very well, and the job is one that sounded more interesting than anything else I had interviewed up to that point. They quickly scheduled me for a second interview.

Around that time, I started looking for a new apartment to move into, since I had sublet a room for only 2 months in order to get to know the area better before I chose a place permanently. After a week of searching, I was only able to visit a couple of places and had come up with nothing. This coupled with the job search was stressing me out, and it took everything in my spiritual "arsenal" (meditation, affirmations, EFT, frequent calls to friends whom I could vent to) to keep me balanced and not completely freaked out. There was part of me that knew and trusted that everything would work out, but another part of me said I didn't know that for sure, and how could things come to me if I didn't work/struggle for them?

A few days later, two things happened at almost the same time. On a Monday I received an email in response to a Craigslist ad I had posted days before, seeking a roommate with similar interests to find an apartment with me. The lady said she practiced reiki and tarot and had a 2-bedroom apartment that she was looking to share. I emailed her back and said, great, let's meet.

I met her over coffee the next day, and we immediately felt comfortable with each other. We had a great time chatting and made arrangements for me to see her apartment that afternoon. Right before she arrived in the coffee shop, though, I discovered that I had a voice message from my agent at the temp agency. During our conversation, my agent called back and told me that I got the job with the newspaper! So, both issues that had been weighing on me were resolved.


I am deeply grateful and amazed at the way things fell into place. It wasn't easy, though -- I had to work through stress and panic before it came to this. Part of me believed that "manifesting" was something that other people could do, but there was a niggling doubt that it could happen to me, that I could receive without putting in a lot of work and effort. Being out on my really tested my beliefs - did I really believe that the universe will take care of me when I had no income and my savings were draining rapidly? Not at the beginning, I didn't. It's still a work in progress, this trust thing, but next time my fear and panic rear their ugly heads I can point to this experience and say, See? I'm not just making this stuff up!

slowly crawling back to internet life

Well, I up and moved to Seattle, and since then I've been trying to pull my life together again amidst a breakup and a funeral. I had no energy in keeping up with Internet goings-on until I got myself centered again, so I was often offline except for answering emails once a day.
I was re-reading some of my past Michael readings, and I found this one passage from last November in answer to my concerns about choosing the right career direction after I move up here. It totally describes what I went through (and still am) after I moved out of a friend's place and into my own apartment.

Michael (channeled by Karen Murphy):
"We do see a trend toward moving into being more trusting, not only of yourself but also of the universe and life in general, and of course there is pain and fear involved with establishing that trust. Security is a need for you at this time, and working through that need, working yourself into a place where you can feel you are creating your own place from which to trust, will be a theme for a time for you."

When I finally got into my own place, I went through a good week and a half of intense panic and anxiety. It was all compounded by fears about my job situation, my savings trickling away, being completely on my own for the first time, and having almost no friends around to spend time with (face-to-face). Part of my fears about my job situation came from trying to find a retail job in a university area (too many young people = too much competition), and I realized quickly that it would not pay the bills. I didn't trust that things will work and and didn't trust that the universe will take care of things and not let me starve. I thought I had gained that trust in all the spiritual work I've done, but when it came down to it, I was still blindsided by my irrational fears.

Thankfully it didn't last too long. I called up some of my LA friends, and they helped me put things back into perspective and reminded me of all the work I've done. I am grateful for my friends in the spiritual community.

I still get the doubts and fears occasionally, but it's not nearly as bad as those first couple of weeks. I'm definitely learning to trust more, to trust that things will be taken care of without my having to do all the work (because I can't). Things are still slow, and I still feel lonely because I have too much time in the day. But I think it'll get better from here.

I often let money get in the way of my enjoyment of life.

30 things about me

I did this for one of the email lists I belong to - basically write down 30 things about you that you can think of in one sitting. I like it because it's kind of like those email surveys, but more interesting.

1. I've been playing video games since first grade.

2. I went to USC.

3. My favorite country that I've traveled to is England.

4. I want to take a sailing trip across the Pacific some day, making stops in Hawaii and other Pacific islands.

5. I grew up in Taiwan until age 11.

6. My father lived and worked in Taiwan from when I was 11 to age 17, while the rest of my family was in Los Angeles.

7. I love British food.

8. I went to a Catholic all-girls school for high school and enjoyed it.

9. I've been wanting to quit my current job for the last two and a half years (I've been here for three).

10. I don't have a favorite book or movie, because I like different ones for different reasons.

11. I almost never re-read books (especially fiction) or watch movies more than once, except for musicals which I never get tired of.

12. I don't like a lot of popular music because the lyrics are too vague or don't make sense.

13. I want to sing in a choir again. I haven't done it since high school.

14. I won't marry until I find the right man, whatever age that may be.

15. But I don't intend to marry until at least age 30.

16. I am happier with my life now than I've ever been.

17. I've been an on-again, off-again vegetarian. The longest I've lasted was about 4 months.

18. I rarely watch TV.

19. I used to love animated movies until they all turned into mediocre 3D talking animal stories (except for Pixar, of course).

20. I stopped buying licensed products (action figures, figurines, and such) because I tend to get tired of them after a few years.

21. I hated exercise until I tried Pilates. I love feeling myself get stronger with muscle-toning workouts. Still hate cardio though.

22. I have never been to China and have no strong inclination to go.

23. I read almost exclusively nonfiction books these days, whereas I used to read mostly sci-fi/fantasy fiction, and romance novels at one point.

24. Personal growth is a favorite hobby of mine. I love working on my issues.

25. I want to open a metaphysical store in the near future.

26. I have hung around the same Star Trek forum on and off for 10 years.

27. I had wanted to be a novelist during high school and college, but now I have very little desire to write fiction.

28. I often screw up my verb tenses when I talk (usually by using present and future tense when I'm supposed to use past tense). I know the rules when I write, but when I'm thinking about something I'm trying to say, it's harder to pay attention.

29. I hate looking for parking on a crowded urban street.

30. I like rain.

february already?

I have a habit of starting blog posts and not finishing them - mainly because I don't have time on weekdays, and on weekends there always seems to be something better to do. I must've started 5 different posts between December and now, some of which I don't intend to finish. January was super busy for me, and February is shaping up to look that way as well - in a good way.

On January 20th I attended a gathering of Michael students (that is, people who study the Michael Teachings). It was an amazing experience. The energy was very comfortable almost immediately, and I've never felt so at home with a group of people I met for the first time (all except one). I was not completely surprised by it, since many Michael students have past life connections with one another, not to mention a connection through Michael. But it was incredible to actually experience it, to fall in love with each person so quickly.

The last weekend of January, I went to a retreat in Sedona with my counselor/spiritual teacher whom I work with in Studio City. The retreat center was called Angel Valley, which was a gorgeous and powerful place in itself. I'll post some pictures when I get a chance.

And to top it off, this weekend I'm flying out to Seattle and will be touring that city as well as Portland. My plan is to move to Portland at the end of April, so this trip is sort of a sightseeing/scouting trip to get to know the area, since I've never been there!

a little sparrow

A few weeks ago on Saturday, I found a sparrow caught in a glue trap that my dad had left out in the yard. We had mice, you see. He caught one mouse and was trying to get a second one, had no luck, and moved the glue trap out to the yard and left it there for whatever reason (my guess is the pack rat syndrome, as usual). At first I thought the sparrow was dead, but at second glance it was alive though not struggling. Its tail feathers had come off, and the bottom half of its body and both wings were covered in glue.

I went inside and asked my dad to get it off the trap. He did and then put the sparrow, glue and all, in an old bird's nest from some years ago that was still sitting in our yard (what did I say about pack rats?). I told him, "it can't fly if we don't wash off the glue!" And he said, "you can't wash it off. Just give it some water and feed it." And what, until it dies of shock?

I tried to see if I can wipe off the glue with a cloth and some water. No luck. I went online to look up what to do with a bird caught in a glue trap (thank God for the Internet) -- they said you can get the bird out by applying cooking oil to the glue, but other than that, you can't do much besides taking it to an animal shelter.

I had some internal resistance to this -- Chinese culture is not very animal-friendly, and my family taught me that you don't waste resources on animals and don't go out of your way to help them. My first reaction was that it was too much trouble to take it to the Humane Society, which was a 15-minute drive (and Animal Control wasn't picking up the phone on Saturdays). But I couldn't just leave it and wait for it to die, so I made a decision and found some cloth to carry the sparrow with.

I picked up the sparrow with the cloth and held it in my hand. He was this little warm body trembling in my hand, and his vulnerability made me stop in awe. I loved him at that moment and knew I was doing the right thing. As I got in the car and drove, I thought, if I can care this much for a sparrow, what about the birds and cows and pigs who die for my food? How can I eat meat again without feeling like a hypocrite?

Well, shit.

commuting acrobatics

Today I tried out a different route from Pasadena to Santa Monica by taking the 134 to the 101 to 405 south. It took about an hour and 20 minutes, including the extra time I took (saved?) after having missed the on-ramp from hell to the 405. It was a one-lane on-ramp that goes from one jammed freeway to another - I drove by and was kind of glad to have missed it. I'll have to remember to take the previous exit next time and get back on the 405 from Sepulveda. If I can make this kind of time in the middle of the week (Mondays have lighter traffic), I'll be taking this route instead of the 10. Taking the 10 from Pasadena to Santa Monica (110 south to 5 south to 10 west) takes me an hour and 45 minutes.

I hate LA traffic.

Oh by the way, I've "moved" to Pasadena and will be staying there for the next 3 months, courtesy of my aunt who is traveling through Asia.

i miss being called a douchebag

...That's one of the nicknames Rocky used to call me. Only he could turn an insult into a term of endearment.

Some of his other nicknames for me:

Douche or DB (short for douchebag)
Baby Panda
Panda Express
Jackie Chan

He cracks me up.

i hate this town

This weekend, I was going to move into my aunt's apartment in Pasadena while she's out traveling. She told me I was going to need a parking permit to park my car on the street, since her car will stay in her spot at the complex. I said, OK, not a problem. So I look up on how to get a parking permit, and this is what I come across:

1. I can't get an annual permit because my car is not registered to my aunt's apartment, and I'm not going to change the address on it since I'd only be there for a few months.

2. In order to get a monthly permit, I have to not only bring in my car registration, but also my aunt's and her roomate's.

3. I have to take time off work to put in the application because their office doesn't open on weekends.

4. Because my car is registered to my father and not to me, I have to get a letter from him saying that his daughter is authorized to drive his car.

5. After I bring in my application with all the paperwork, the Department of Transportation will investigate me to make sure there's no paid parking available in my complex or within 600 feet of the apartment, or that I'm not using my garage for storage or some shit like that.

6. And then I have to go to their office again the next month to renew the temporary permit.

This is enough to make my hair fall out. I think I'll try and move my aunt's car to my grandma's house so I can use her space.

my napkin collection

I was cleaning out my closet and found a binder full of theme park/logo'd napkins I used to collect. There were piles of this stuff with a lot of duplicates. I was throwing them out and decided to take a picture out of nostalgia. They're now stuffed in the side pockets of my car, to be used at my leisure.

too close to home

My brother, of all people, turned me on to the awesomeness of Avenue Q's soundtrack. This song in particular hits far too close to home.

What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college and plenty of knowledge
Have earned me this useless degree.

I can't pay the bills yet,
'Cause I have no skills yet.
The world is a big scary place.

But somehow I can't shake
The feeling I might make
A difference to the human race.

- Avenue Q - "What Do You Do with a B.A. in English?"

I'm not (that) bitter though. Knowing me, I would never have believed it during college.

P.S. I just found out Avenue Q is on tour in LA right now. I am so there.

assumptions and expectations

There's a fine line between an assumption and an expectation. I expect the sun to come out tomorrow. I expect my car to turn on in the morning if I put gas in it and kept up with regular maintainence. If I thought I wouldn't like someone before I even meet him, I would be making an assumption. If I read some Internet gossip and believe it to be true with no other basis, that would be an assumption. Assumption, which in this case means "something taken for granted," has a more negative connotation than expectation.

I expected my twenty-five-dollar tent to hold up in case of rain, after making the assumption that it's a reasonable expectation from something designed for shelter. I really thought that was a standard feature. Rocky and I were camping on the beach near Santa Barbara, and it rained hard. We noticed the tent got wet -- it leaked at the zipper seams. After some deliberation and loading everything except the sleeping bag into the car, we drove to Rite Aid (just outside the camp site) and bought some packing tape and trash bags. The patch work did its job and held up until morning.

Today I browsed Amazon for a waterproof tent, and read one reader comment which said that "Almost all tent manufacturers, even for the most expensive brands, suggest that the buyer seal the seams to assure everything is watertight. A knowledgable camper wouldn't even think of purchasing a tent without applying sealant to the seams," in response to a reviewer who complained that his tent leaked. OK, so I'm a beginning camper, and I have not camped with anybody who is experienced. How was I supposed to know? This was the first time I've even heard of seam sealers, and I'm an avid instruction-reader so I'm sure my tent instructions made no mention of it. Anyway, now I know, and it was actually fun in the process, since we could've slept in the car if the trash bags hadn't worked out. And the morning was beautiful.

Our campsite

Walking on the beach

More of the beach

the stomach cannot contain what the eyes can see

There's something that Chinese people (or at least my mom) say when someone (usually a child) craves to eat something when they're not really hungry, which goes, "your eyes are hungry" (implying that your stomach is not). Or, when you order something you can't finish eating, they say, "your eyes are too big."

I mention this because that's what I'm feeling now that I can eat "normally" again. Today I had 3 donuts (my boss brought them to work), vegetable soup for lunch, and some trail mix in the afternoon, and I'm still bloated. It's hard to stop eating when I'm full, so out of habit I end up eating the portions (I'm mostly thinking of the donuts and my dinner at El Pollo Loco last night) I normally eat, and then get really really full. Then I regret it right after because I want to keep my current weight. Time to break some habits, I suppose.

eating again

I reached my goal of fasting for ten days! YAAAAAY! It was really my only resolution for the new year (other than my ongoing resolution of finding a new job). I didn't feel like I lost much weight, but actually I lost 7 lbs. I'm at 137 now and I think I haven't been there in years. Energy-wise I don't really feel any different before, during, or after the fast. But admittedly I'm not all that sensitive to these things. The day after fasting, I was supposed to drink only orange juice, and move on to juice and vegetable soup the second day. But since I was allowed to eat again, I just couldn't hold back. I had some walnuts the first day (chewed really fine), and a visitor to our office gave me a box of macadamia nut chocolates, of which I ate four or five throughout the day. Also had a bag of Lay's potato chips and Trader Joe's fresh orange juice for lunch. So healthy!!! Had some vegetable soup (which I made the night before) for dinner, and I guess I ate too fast or something because it gave me a stomach ache and diarrhea. Yes, the vegetable soup did it but not all the junk I ate during the day (which I only nibbled on).

The first couple of days my tastebuds were really sensitive. The macadamia nut chocolates were sweet and just heavenly. The nuts were covered in crisp toffee and then in a thick layer of milk chocolate, and I could taste all the different flavors and textures. The walnuts, which were in the shell, were delicious and so flavorful I wonder why I even eat the shelled stuff. I got a bag of raw trail mix from Trader Joe's because I had it before and thought it was good, but when I had the trail mix walnuts side by side with the unshelled walnuts, the unshelled stuff tasted better by far. The potato chips were okay. They tasted more salty than before and stung my tongue a little for some reason, and that "potato chip" smell was strong and not quite pleasant. The vegetable soup was just vegetable soup until it gave me a stomach ache. At which time it became Unwisely Consumed Vegetable Soup.

Anyway, it's now the third day after the end of fasting, and I am still eating light and in small portions, though everything is still quite a treat. I intend to eat healthier from now -- not that I was eating unhealthy compared to most Americans, but I was eating out too much, which means too much meat and not enought vegetables. I'm going to try eating mostly vegetarian on weekdays and see how that works.

fasting again, day 7

If you read my blog early last year, I attempted the Master Cleanse (or lemonade diet) fast last February. And lasted all of two days. I was going to do it again a couple months later and just never got around to it (another reason being that we were out of lemons on our tree at home, which meant that I'd have to buy thick-skinned lemons with less juice from the store). I had been thinking about doing the fast again in November since our tree was full of lemons again (read: free and organic), but what with my India trip, Thanksgiving, and Christmas/New Year's coming up I decided to wait 'til after New Year's.

Honestly I wasn't as excited about it this time as last year, but I know I want to detox and it was a good time to do it, so I did. I warned Rocky 2-3 weeks ago that I wanted to start fasting again, since he wanted to do it with me. I went to his place last Friday, when we were supposed to start together, and on the way there he said that he had an idea that will keep us from going off the fast early. I was like, okay, we'll see. When I arrived, he told me that he had already been fasting since the previous Monday, so we wouldn't both be craving food at the same time. Aww, he is so sweet that way.

I started fasting Friday night (we went to see the Indian film Guru) and did fairly okay on Saturday, even when I went to see a showing of Tan Dun's The First Emperor broadcast live from the Met (more on that in another post) and had to smell popcorn at the theater. I had cravings on Saturday night and Sunday and could not even look at food ads or hear people talk about food. I learned from last time to change my focus when something comes up that provokes my cravings, so that it doesn't snowball from a small thought to an irresistable craving. I also played Zelda on the Wii during most of my free time, which is excellent for keeping my mind occupied.

By the time the weekend was over, I knew I was over the big hurdle because the regular schedule of the weekdays will keep me occupied enough to sail through the fast. By Tuesday, to my surprise, the cravings were mostly gone (as other people said it would be). I could look or smell food and look forward to having it when my fast is done, but I didn't need to eat it right this minute. I'm even planning a big pancake breakfast for the two of us next weekend. I also started my period Tuesday afternoon and had no cramps, only a little bit of discomfort in the evening and that was it. I will probably sail through this weekend and start breaking the fast on Tuesday if my body shows signs that it's done detoxing.

Some thoughts during the fast:

I realized that I hardly ever really appreciate the smell of food. If I smell something good, I want to follow it to the source, or I picture/imagine the food that produced the smell. It's always a lead-in to something else, a means to an end. But then we went to Walmart on Saturday, and they had a kettle corn stand outside. You could smell the damn thing from the other end of the parking lot. Since I couldn't eat and had to smell, I allowed myself to simply breathe in the aroma -- and to my surprise, found it satisfying in its own sake.

update

I've been lazy and haven't posted my thoughts on my India trip yet...but I plan to. I've got pages already written in my journal anyway. I got back the week before Thanksgiving and apparently some bad sashimi on the airplane (we had a layover in Japan) gave me the gift of vomiting and diarrhea, the latter lasting a entire week. I was in bed for 3 days -- though I think it was due to the jet-lag rather than the vomiting, because I'd sleep all day and stay awake most of the night. It was terrible. And I got my period a day after I fell ill. Thanksgiving was awesome since my whole family was here, but one week later I got a cold again (I started getting one 2 days before leaving India). Enough is enough!

The weekend I was sick was also the weekend I got my Wii. I've been spending most of my free time between Zelda and Final Fantas XII, but I will get to the India trip posts some day... :-P

india trip

So I'll be leaving tomorrow night for 2 weeks to visit my boyfriend's family in southern India. I can't wait to get out of LA!! The weather will be less ungodly this time of year than when we were there August last year, which will allow for normal enjoyment and functioning. I'm all prepared with my toilet paper this time. I might post some stuff about it when I get back.