30 day challenge: sending love to everyone I come in contact with

As if I haven’t taken on enough self-improvement stuff, here’s one more. I got the idea from the intention circle I attended last week, but it’s something I’ve been hearing here and there, so I decided to really give it a go. In modern society we’re very used to constantly judging, labeling, and dismissing others, in effect sending out negative energy as we go about the day. In my spiritual groups, I have heard a few too many stories about how things just work out better when we send love to a difficult situation or difficult people. It increases our vibration as well as theirs. So I’ve decided to practice it for 30 days and change my habit of judging to accepting.

When I say “everyone I come into contact with”, I mean somebody I interact with in some way. Somebody I say good morning to, a cashier at the store, the bus driver, co-workers, friends, acquaintances, etc. I started out trying to do it with everyone I pass by on the street, but that just became overwhelming since I live in a city.

If I forget to send love when I’m interacting with the person, I’ll send it afterwards when I remember, or I might send it to an entire group at the same time (say when I go to choir rehearsal tomorrow night). More importantly, I want to send love to each person who bothers me, by which I mean anyone who triggers my judgment, defensiveness, anger, insecurity, etc. This is because the person who provoked that emotion in me reminded me of some hurt I experienced in the past. I’m taking responsibility by sending love to them and therefore to the part of me that felt hurt.

For the next 30 days I’ll write entries daily or as often as I can about what I experienced. I’ve had trouble with keeping up a regular practice before, so here’s hoping for perseverance.

See more progress on: Send love to everyone I come in contact with for 30 days

turning 28 courageously

I was reading a fictionalized memoir the other day called The Love Spell, in which the main character is a public interest lawyer living in New York. I found her sophisticated, focused, and accomplished. At one point early in the book, someone asks her how old she is, and she replies, "almost twenty-eight." I stopped and thought, oh my god, she's my age! I'm almost twenty-eight, too!

That thought really depressed me. Look where she is, and look where I am. Growing up, I couldn't help but have these ideas planted in my head that you're supposed to be in a particular place in life by a certain age. For myself, I thought I would've been established in my career by my late twenties, not still bumbling around trying to figure things out. God forbid I should turn thirty without having figured out what to do with my life.

Even though by this point I understand that people grow and figure out who they are at their own pace, it's hard to go against your ingrained beliefs. Growing up, I was always the smart one, the one who was mature beyond her age. I thought that made me better than other people and that I would always be that way. Now I look around and see people my age who are more established, and I've realized that it's an identity I've been hanging on to make me feel better about myself. Now I've lost that identity and I feel grief coming on sometimes if I let it. I can feel my egoic self flailing around trying to find some other identity to anchor myself with.

Eckhart Tolle's teachings have been a godsend for me at this time, because I recognize that clinging to an identity prevents me from being conscious and living in the present. Being confused about who I am is actually good, and eventually I would get used to it (unless my ego finds something else to glom on to). Everyday I am being challenged to be myself and be okay with that - to know that it is enough to just be me.

off to a flying start

I feel like I've bolted out the gate of 2009 and haven't stopped. My temp job "ended" the last day of December, and I spent a week relaxing over New Year's and feeling great about having some time off. After going home for Christmas and talking to some friends, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and start my own reiki practice (been meaning to write about the reiki classes I've taken and just never got around to it!). I'm now writing content for my website (using an awesome e-business system called SBI), which will include reiki as well as the spiritual topics I'm passionate about.

SBI has gotten me excited about becoming self-employed, so I've been reading books on the subject. It turns out that self-employment is perfect for me. It's what I've always wanted, but I had this idea that you had to have a lot of experience or expertise in one field before you could be self-employed at it. Creativity and brainstorming are really the necessary skills, and expertise is secondary.

But anyway, I got so excited about my new projects that it occurred to me I was job-FREE, not jobless. I was thinking about this and feeling great when I went shopping the Tuesday after the new year, and while I was shopping, my temp agency called and said my work wanted me to come back for a couple of weeks. So back I went, and two weeks turned into two months (though likely not any longer). I'm kind of tired of working here now, so it'll be nice once I finish here and get to work on my projects full time while I job search.

i'm taking this blog thing way too seriously...

...that's why it took me so long between posts. I keep thinking I want to write something that's good and "writerly", and then I don't end up finishing anything (plenty of drafts though). That and I've had one issue or another with my computer and/or Internet connection since I moved to the new apartment, so I haven't been on the 'net much except at work.

My work has been a source of stress for the past two months because of the constant flux. The manager who hired me has been laid off, but they were nice enough to find me another department that needed my help, so I've been shuffled around doing random projects for them. It hasn't been all boring, though, and I even got to do some writing (ad copy for an online auction). My new manager is very impressed with my performance and sings my praises to everybody who passes through her office (she has a loud voice). I was training with another team today on using their customer database, and they praised me for picking it up so quickly. That's all really nice and I'm grateful for the comments - my previous managers never appreciated my work like they do. But I'm still a temp and the company is still in bad shape, so I'm job searching once again.

miracles happen

Since I last wrote about my frustrations with job search and instability, a lot more has happened. In early August, I attended my cousin Jennifer's wedding in Houston and saw my family. It's been many, many years (over a decade) since I last attended a wedding, and that wasn't even someone I knew. Jennifer's ceremony was simple and sweet, and you could feel the love coming off of the bride and groom whenever they're together. There were three receptions and lots of eating over the 4 days I was there (as usual when my family gets together). It was fun seeing my family and meeting Jennifer's friends that I kept hearing about.

Two things that had been weighing on my mind, finding a job and a new apartment, came to fruition after I came back from the wedding. Through one of my temp agencies I got an interview with the marketing department of a major local newspaper. The interview went very well, and the job is one that sounded more interesting than anything else I had interviewed up to that point. They quickly scheduled me for a second interview.

Around that time, I started looking for a new apartment to move into, since I had sublet a room for only 2 months in order to get to know the area better before I chose a place permanently. After a week of searching, I was only able to visit a couple of places and had come up with nothing. This coupled with the job search was stressing me out, and it took everything in my spiritual "arsenal" (meditation, affirmations, EFT, frequent calls to friends whom I could vent to) to keep me balanced and not completely freaked out. There was part of me that knew and trusted that everything would work out, but another part of me said I didn't know that for sure, and how could things come to me if I didn't work/struggle for them?

A few days later, two things happened at almost the same time. On a Monday I received an email in response to a Craigslist ad I had posted days before, seeking a roommate with similar interests to find an apartment with me. The lady said she practiced reiki and tarot and had a 2-bedroom apartment that she was looking to share. I emailed her back and said, great, let's meet.

I met her over coffee the next day, and we immediately felt comfortable with each other. We had a great time chatting and made arrangements for me to see her apartment that afternoon. Right before she arrived in the coffee shop, though, I discovered that I had a voice message from my agent at the temp agency. During our conversation, my agent called back and told me that I got the job with the newspaper! So, both issues that had been weighing on me were resolved.


I am deeply grateful and amazed at the way things fell into place. It wasn't easy, though -- I had to work through stress and panic before it came to this. Part of me believed that "manifesting" was something that other people could do, but there was a niggling doubt that it could happen to me, that I could receive without putting in a lot of work and effort. Being out on my really tested my beliefs - did I really believe that the universe will take care of me when I had no income and my savings were draining rapidly? Not at the beginning, I didn't. It's still a work in progress, this trust thing, but next time my fear and panic rear their ugly heads I can point to this experience and say, See? I'm not just making this stuff up!

slowly crawling back to internet life

Well, I up and moved to Seattle, and since then I've been trying to pull my life together again amidst a breakup and a funeral. I had no energy in keeping up with Internet goings-on until I got myself centered again, so I was often offline except for answering emails once a day.
I was re-reading some of my past Michael readings, and I found this one passage from last November in answer to my concerns about choosing the right career direction after I move up here. It totally describes what I went through (and still am) after I moved out of a friend's place and into my own apartment.

Michael (channeled by Karen Murphy):
"We do see a trend toward moving into being more trusting, not only of yourself but also of the universe and life in general, and of course there is pain and fear involved with establishing that trust. Security is a need for you at this time, and working through that need, working yourself into a place where you can feel you are creating your own place from which to trust, will be a theme for a time for you."

When I finally got into my own place, I went through a good week and a half of intense panic and anxiety. It was all compounded by fears about my job situation, my savings trickling away, being completely on my own for the first time, and having almost no friends around to spend time with (face-to-face). Part of my fears about my job situation came from trying to find a retail job in a university area (too many young people = too much competition), and I realized quickly that it would not pay the bills. I didn't trust that things will work and and didn't trust that the universe will take care of things and not let me starve. I thought I had gained that trust in all the spiritual work I've done, but when it came down to it, I was still blindsided by my irrational fears.

Thankfully it didn't last too long. I called up some of my LA friends, and they helped me put things back into perspective and reminded me of all the work I've done. I am grateful for my friends in the spiritual community.

I still get the doubts and fears occasionally, but it's not nearly as bad as those first couple of weeks. I'm definitely learning to trust more, to trust that things will be taken care of without my having to do all the work (because I can't). Things are still slow, and I still feel lonely because I have too much time in the day. But I think it'll get better from here.

I often let money get in the way of my enjoyment of life.

30 things about me

I did this for one of the email lists I belong to - basically write down 30 things about you that you can think of in one sitting. I like it because it's kind of like those email surveys, but more interesting.

1. I've been playing video games since first grade.

2. I went to USC.

3. My favorite country that I've traveled to is England.

4. I want to take a sailing trip across the Pacific some day, making stops in Hawaii and other Pacific islands.

5. I grew up in Taiwan until age 11.

6. My father lived and worked in Taiwan from when I was 11 to age 17, while the rest of my family was in Los Angeles.

7. I love British food.

8. I went to a Catholic all-girls school for high school and enjoyed it.

9. I've been wanting to quit my current job for the last two and a half years (I've been here for three).

10. I don't have a favorite book or movie, because I like different ones for different reasons.

11. I almost never re-read books (especially fiction) or watch movies more than once, except for musicals which I never get tired of.

12. I don't like a lot of popular music because the lyrics are too vague or don't make sense.

13. I want to sing in a choir again. I haven't done it since high school.

14. I won't marry until I find the right man, whatever age that may be.

15. But I don't intend to marry until at least age 30.

16. I am happier with my life now than I've ever been.

17. I've been an on-again, off-again vegetarian. The longest I've lasted was about 4 months.

18. I rarely watch TV.

19. I used to love animated movies until they all turned into mediocre 3D talking animal stories (except for Pixar, of course).

20. I stopped buying licensed products (action figures, figurines, and such) because I tend to get tired of them after a few years.

21. I hated exercise until I tried Pilates. I love feeling myself get stronger with muscle-toning workouts. Still hate cardio though.

22. I have never been to China and have no strong inclination to go.

23. I read almost exclusively nonfiction books these days, whereas I used to read mostly sci-fi/fantasy fiction, and romance novels at one point.

24. Personal growth is a favorite hobby of mine. I love working on my issues.

25. I want to open a metaphysical store in the near future.

26. I have hung around the same Star Trek forum on and off for 10 years.

27. I had wanted to be a novelist during high school and college, but now I have very little desire to write fiction.

28. I often screw up my verb tenses when I talk (usually by using present and future tense when I'm supposed to use past tense). I know the rules when I write, but when I'm thinking about something I'm trying to say, it's harder to pay attention.

29. I hate looking for parking on a crowded urban street.

30. I like rain.

my intention for this blog

The reason I named my blog "Life Creation in Progress" was in part to have it be a record of my personal spiritual journey. But until now, I don't feel that I've shared a lot of that. I have in draft form a lot of opinion pieces that express as much arrogance as opinions, and when I browse my archive, I feel like there's not much there that's of substance. I've made a lot of progress in my growth than has been shown on these pages -- I've decided to change that. Things that I consider private will remain private, but since I've been working with my spiritual counselor a year ago, I've had so many insights and breakthroughs that are worth writing about.

So, I've decided that I will do that. Stay tuned.

unsustainable

the deficit
"health" care system
wars against ideas
exploitation in the name of economy
social security
selecting one person to represent a multicultural nation