turning 28 courageously

I was reading a fictionalized memoir the other day called The Love Spell, in which the main character is a public interest lawyer living in New York. I found her sophisticated, focused, and accomplished. At one point early in the book, someone asks her how old she is, and she replies, "almost twenty-eight." I stopped and thought, oh my god, she's my age! I'm almost twenty-eight, too!

That thought really depressed me. Look where she is, and look where I am. Growing up, I couldn't help but have these ideas planted in my head that you're supposed to be in a particular place in life by a certain age. For myself, I thought I would've been established in my career by my late twenties, not still bumbling around trying to figure things out. God forbid I should turn thirty without having figured out what to do with my life.

Even though by this point I understand that people grow and figure out who they are at their own pace, it's hard to go against your ingrained beliefs. Growing up, I was always the smart one, the one who was mature beyond her age. I thought that made me better than other people and that I would always be that way. Now I look around and see people my age who are more established, and I've realized that it's an identity I've been hanging on to make me feel better about myself. Now I've lost that identity and I feel grief coming on sometimes if I let it. I can feel my egoic self flailing around trying to find some other identity to anchor myself with.

Eckhart Tolle's teachings have been a godsend for me at this time, because I recognize that clinging to an identity prevents me from being conscious and living in the present. Being confused about who I am is actually good, and eventually I would get used to it (unless my ego finds something else to glom on to). Everyday I am being challenged to be myself and be okay with that - to know that it is enough to just be me.